Have you ever enjoyed a yellow pea bourbon pâté? Do you even know what it is?

I certainly don’t, and it’s clear that these wannabe Shakespeare sonnet menu chef writers are out of control.

I know these menus are aimed at the wealthy diners, but if I was rich I could never imagine going for anything like this.
I came across this kind of food at a charity event in the House of Lords, which was full of old posh men. The main course was a “Roasted Supreme of Scottish Salmon served with celeriac and vanilla puree, parsley cocotte potatoes and a winter panache of vegetables.” It just made my head shake with disbelief.

Then there was the “Roasted Aubergines timbales stuffed with lemon rice served with saffron chateau and roasted green beans with coconut and oven slow roasted plum tomato, tamarind and sesame sauce with a drizzle of coriander and green chilli oil”.

Whoever you are, you are just making life harder for yourself. You are probably the sort of person who, instead of taking a plane to an overseas location, you decide to swim instead.

You clearly were meant for better things, perhaps you just missed out on that creative writing degree, maybe you enjoy attending a book club once a week. That’s great, but let me assure you, using your food menu as an outlet for your creative writing is just plain wrong.

Shakespeare would not approve.