This is a small blog about my recent excursion in Doi Inthanon National Park.

The excursion involved a 7am pickup, and early starts are particularly difficult on holiday but sometimes you just can’t avoid them. It was a packed itinerary ahead, with lots of walking, some swimming, a few waterfalls and something I was most looking forward to – coffee tasting.

My jet lag made getting up quite the challenge. But I told myself being sleep deprived on holiday is far more pleasant than at work, so the best thing to do was to just on get on with it.

The van that picked us up was quite a battered old thing, and the guide opened to door to reveal quite a few tourists had already been picked up. It was quite cosy, and after picking up a couple more tourists on the way, our 2 hour drive had begun.

I had a seat by the window (which I was grateful for due to motion sickness) and spent most of the journey staying eye level with the landscape.

It was so warm, and one of the tourists (who I judged by his accent to be German) said a few small sentences that ended in “scheiße“. He then stood up to find the vents near the front and switched them to full blast, which I think we were all grateful for.

We stopped half way at a service station. This service station had everything, coffee and snack shops, a playground for the kids, and one useful thing that you don’t see at uk service stations – a car servicing garage. I think there is a law in place in UK service stations where they all have to have at least one Greggs, McDonald’s, and a Holiday Inn.

It was clear from the many other vans here that we were not the only tourists on an excursion, and these other vans hosted some typically embarrassing westerners.

Some white guys had dreadlocks, with awfully cheap looking tattoos, and others generally looked like twats. Thankfully nobody in our van looked like that, though one of the Germans had an awful cough, and didn’t seem bothered about covering his mouth.

His coughing was almost like COVID never happened. I wonder if his office had recently banished working from home, and he was on a one man mission to get it back.

During the bumpy drive, the tour guide (who was a friendly middle aged guy, though never caught his name) passed along a sheet for us to fill out our details. My wife (who was a detective in a previous life) quickly inspected it so she could work out everyone’s nationalities. There was one other British couple, a few Germans, and possibly a couple of Koreans (probably from the south side).

Our first main stop was at a waterfall. It was incredible. The constant strong sound of the water was like those white noise playlists you find on Spotify. Only better of course.

No matter what else awaited us on this tour, this alone makes the excursion worth it.

I was surprised at all the infrastructure by the waterfall. Surrounding the car park were shops everywhere selling all sorts, though most were empty. Most tourists were just interested  in taking photos of a few cats who were lazing in the car park.

Imagine being a shopkeeper in a national park, your margins are tight as it is. But it’s long hours, so you buy a cat to keep you company.  But the cat is bored of you, and decides to sleep in the car park. Then, all of your potential shoppers get distracted by the cat having a nap. Your income takes a hit. You go out of business and pack up your things. But the cat, with an unlimited supply of bird dinners is absolutely fine. He glances over as you leave, and goes back to sleep. Cats can be ruthless.

This area also had clean toilets, and the urinals were on a balcony overlooking the forest, it was the most scenic urinal I had ever seen.

Though as a quick reminder of how deep in the forest I was, I noticed an odd looking insect wriggling around next to me, laying down on its back (or front, who knows?), it was all black, and every part of it was moving in different directions, like it was trying to morph into something.  I didn’t hang around to find out what it would turn into.

Back in the van we went (we all kept the to the same seating plan) and headed up to the highest point in the island. This point contained a slab where for some spiritual reason tourists were standing coins on their sides. No doubt the spirits were grateful for the Euros. 

At one point, in order to reach the Pagodas we had to change vehicles, and we hopped into the back of a jeep, like in those military films. It was pretty cool.

The driver took us up to the Pagodas.  They were shaped like cones and surrounded by beautiful gardens. They looked like something from a 60’s sci fi show.

We didn’t go inside the Pagodas as you had to take your shoes off, and my converse were laced tight with a double knot. If I was Buddhist I’m sure I would have made the effort. But alas, I’m just a simple atheist.

Unfortunately, we saw a few British chavs.  No matter where in the world you go, you can’t escape them. I wonder if in 500 years, when tourism reaches Mars, how annoying it must feel to bump into a chav on another planet. 

One of the chavs was a ponytailed woman with a neck tattoo looking to take a photograph.  “Let’s take some photos of some trees and shit”. Honestly, her accent was awful. Her 2 male companions looked inbred, like generations of bulldogs were inbreeding and then one day they mutated into humans.

At least the views surrounding us were breathtaking. There was an endless layer of trees going off into the myst, and not a single building to be seen. I wonder how many American Real Estate people have stood where I stood and wished for shopping malls and car parks.

At this point I was tired and hungry, and we waited for the driver to take us to lunch. A few other jeeps packed with tourists had arrived, deploying military style.

A Korean man from a large tourist group tapped me on the shoulder and asked where I was from.  I think he might have been a comedian as he made his group laugh at everything he said. He was quite a character and it was a shame we had to say goodbye.

We reached our lunch destination. Every tour group had their own table, already laid out with food and cutlery. It was a well oiled machine. This is probably the only place in Thailand where you can find bland food, just to suit the tourists.  I bet the poor chefs, who spent their lives honing their culinary skills, have to fight so hard to not add seasoning. Imagine being a world class footballer, and the manager tells you to play badly on purpose because the opposite are weak.

Afterwards we went to a small market; our guide warned us that every stall was a copy of one another and he wasn’t wrong at all. Most of the items on offer were nuts and strawberries.  I didn’t catch the name of the market, but De Ja Vue would suit it well.

Back in the van we went, and we headed for our 2 hour hike.

This area was owned by a tribe, who would also be escorting us. When I think of an indigenous tribespeople I think of those you see from those unoccupied islands who wear barely anything and carry a bow and arrow, but these guys wore jeans and t-shirts.

We were each given a large bamboo walking stick.  I wondered if it was a hindrance to use one.  I also wondered if we all looked a bit ridiculous.  Especially when the young tribe lady l escorting us walked fine without one, she just casually walked ahead like it was just a flat pavement.

If the roles were reversed, and the tribes people had a walking tour of London, I wonder what we would provide them with. A vape? 

At one point on the hike an elderly tribes lady suddenly appeared and gave me a raw coffee bean straight from the leaf. It was green and clearly not meant to be eaten, but one of the Germans saw me pull a face and asked if I was going to try it. Now I’m not sure if I tried it because it was the manly thing to do, or if I owed it to my war veteran grandparents, but I tried it and immediately regretted it. Was I expecting a double espresso in a bean? No, I’m not sure what I was expecting, i was just hoping my moment of adventurous bean tasting would’ve be rewarded with something pleasant. It wasn’t.

Also, was this the coffee tasting that was mentioned in the itinerary? I was hoping to drink a fresh hot brew from an actual cup, but this was a little too fresh.

We carried on our journey with our trusted walking sticks and admired all the greenery and waterfalls. Photos could never do this place justice but I took a few anyway. The elderly lady was actively offering to take photos of our group. So, not only do indigenous tribespeople wear t shirts and jeans, they also take really good photos with smartphones.  Shes probably a TikTok streamer on the side. People are full of surprises.

It was cool being escorted by the tribespeople. I wondered what they thought of us pampered tourists. There were no Americans in our group, so I think they liked us.

We approached the swimming section of our tour, it was a small lake by a waterfall.  But due to the slightly mild weather, only one of the German men got in. Fair play to him, despite the cold he made the most of it. We all watched him in awe, and I think it was one of those moments where if one person clapped, everyone else would have joined in. Instead, I like to think we all gave a round of applause in our heads.

At the end of the tour, I was relieved that we were rewarded with a cup of coffee. Apparently this was the oldest coffee shop in Thailand, and judging from the look of it I could believe it. So many trendy coffee shops try and look rustic, but they don’t hold a candle to this place. The coffee was brewing on a stove on an open fire. It was an extremely cool place to be.

The coffee was also fantastic, and was far more pleasant than the single bean I ate earlier. In fact the coffee was so good that we bought a few bags to take home.

At the end we had to give up our walking sticks, which we were all sad to lose. In my short time on this tour, I grew accustomed to my walking stick, my cosy seat in the van, and my tour comrades. It’s amazing how quickly bonds grow, and it was a shame to say goodbye.