“When you lose your hair, you become suspicious of everybody else’s”.

Somebody, N.D.

Imagine thousands of years in the future, and our Earth is no more. The last of the humans are exploring space, trying to find a new home. After spending years eating unappetising space food, they crave something fresh and wholesome. They come across a promising planet, and from afar it looks as green as Earth once did.

Excitement overwhelms the crew.  What delicacies will this world bring? Apples?  Oranges? Millions of potato’s growing for miles?

But their joy was short lived.  They land to find a landscape devoid of even a single tree.  Only endless plains of grass covered the land.  The astronauts were devastated.

I imagine that’s how fleas must feel when they land on my head.  I almost feel bad for them.  All they want is some hair to store their precious eggs in,  but all I can offer them is a barren landscape.

There are of course ways to gain more hair.  Notably via wigs and suspect operations.  None of which are particularly appealing.

There’s no denying it; bald people get discriminated against.  The fewer hairs you have, the fewer opportunities.  

Hollywood is a great example. Can you image a bald Terminator? “I want your clothes, your gun, your motorcycle, and your number 2 on the sides and the 5 on top.”

Ok there are a few exceptions such as Jason Staton, but 99% of successful actors have hair, and many of their hairlines have clearly had help from a surgeon.  Many people just do not like the tide coming in, and they’ll do whatever they can to fight back.

Wigs are an option, but I could never bring myself to wear one.  The embarrassment I would feel if it fell off would be unimaginable.

And also, imagine if everyone you knew had figured out you wore a wig?  What if they spoke behind your back wondering if you knew how ridiculous it looked?

Wig wearers seem to have an amazing ability to block those fears out.  Absolute denial is not a blessing, and we should always let our bathroom mirrors tell us the blunt truth, otherwise it’s pointless in even having one.

There is medication out there that promises an improvement, but taking pills everyday for a few more hairs is not worth the trade-off of a million side effects.

Hair tattoos are a half decent option.  But be careful where you get your hairline placed.  I once saw someone with a hairline down to his eyebrows.

I also wonder how it would look if you get lazy and let the hair grow out the sides.

Despite of all this, I suppose baldness isn’t all bad

If you have a sort of gangster East-End personality, then you can make baldness work. Are you gifted with chiseled cheek bones and a strong jaw? Great, you can look like a hitman.

But don’t ever wear a hat in a non-hat environment. Wearing a hat indoors is always suspicious, and you’ll just look like an idiot. After all, nobody appreciates Bono wearing sunglasses indoors.

I guess at the end of the day, losing your hair isn’t the biggest deal. There are far more pressing concerns we all face. But still, if a clever scientist could one day create a one-off magic pill that grew all my hair back with no side effects, then sign me up.